Back to School: Part 1 – How Parents Can Help Their Kids Deal with Anxiety as the New School Year Approaches
For children, tweens and teens, anxiety comes in many forms. Very young children may have a hard time separating from their parents or caregivers. School-aged children—especially those transitioning to a new school—may not know where to go on their first day, much less whether they’ll have any friends. And tweens and teens may feel self-conscious about changes in their bodies.
The signs of anxiety in our children are just as variable as the real-world problems that cause it.
Dr. Sherry Huang, a pediatrician and Assistant Professor of Clinical Pediatrics at Weill Cornell Medicine, describes some of these signs and symptoms. In small children who aren’t yet able to express themselves verbally, you may see the following:
- increased defiance, irritability or clinginess
- refusal to go to school
- sleep disturbances
- loss of appetite
- decreased ability to concentrate
- low energy
- physical symptoms such as nausea, muscle tension, dizziness, headaches or stomach aches
- persistent crying
Anxiety symptoms in tweens and teens may include:
- withdrawal from family and social life
- spending more time in their rooms
- sleeping too much
- eating too much or too little
- being less communicative than usual
What can I do to help ease my child’s back-to-school anxiety?
For children who aren’t yet verbal, try using a “feelings” chart or a “faces” poster and ask them to draw what they’re feeling. It’s important for parents to validate these feelings and not dismiss or minimize them. Keep an open mind, and avoid jumping in right away to reassure your child before they’ve had a chance to express them.
As for school-aged children, “Ask your child what’s going on in their minds and listen intently,” says Dr. Huang. “Start with open-ended questions and then probe a little more deeply.”
You might ask how they’re feeling about going back to school. What are they excited about? A fruitful approach might be to focus on non-academic topics like recess or lunch:
- What did you play during recess?
- Who did you play with? Anyone new? How did you like playing with them?
- What did you have for lunch? Did you like it?
- Who did you sit with at lunch? What did you talk about?
These questions are designed to elicit more than just the facts. “Make these conversations casual, and have them regularly and often,” Dr. Huang says. That’s a great way to gauge your child’s emotional state as well as the specifics that are shaping it.
Here are some of the questions and statements parents can use to jump-start meaningful conversations with their tweens or teens, whose bodies are going through changes they may find difficult to handle:
- What would make you feel more comfortable? Do you need different clothes or underwear?
- Would you like to see the doctor about acne or anything else?
- Would you welcome a conversation about hygiene issues such as deodorant use or shaving?
And if they ask questions you can’t answer, tell them you’ll ask their teacher or your family doctor and get back to them. “It may help allay their anxiety if you make a list together of the questions to tackle,” Dr. Huang suggests.
When is it time to involve my child’s school or a mental health professional?
If your child cries persistently beyond a few weeks before school starts or they’re unable to attend school without having meltdowns, it may be time to consult with a school counselor or an outside mental health professional. Persistent physical symptoms may justify an appointment with a therapist.
Bullying, fairly common among kids in primary school, middle school and college, might lead to thoughts or expressions of self-harm or suicide. That, too, may warrant treatment by a mental health professional.
There are several actions a parent can take if their child is afraid to go back to school. For example, “consider incremental social exposure. Invite a few kids from their class to an outdoor gathering before the start of classes.
“Also consider giving your child a new book bag or a small reward for completing the first day of school,” Dr. Huang adds. “If they’re fearful of separation, it might help to let them know what you’ll be doing while they’re in school and when you’ll be there to pick them up.”
What can parents do to manage their own anxieties around sending their child back to school?
It’s important for parents to manage their own anxious feelings before engaging with their children’s worries. Aim to build resilience by speaking to friends, relatives or other parents. Or seek support from your family doctor or a mental health professional, she advises.
Also consider self-care measures such as deep breathing, meditation or exercise. And try to model resilient behavior while empathizing with your children when stress and worry threaten to upend their ability to cope. Use statements like “Sometimes I get emotional at work, and this is how I manage my feelings.” It may be effective and even enjoyable to practice deep breathing or other stress reduction techniques with your child.
Back-to-School-Tips
Weill Cornell Medicine’s pediatric and psychiatric teams have created the following back-to-school guides designed for parents of children who are at different stages of development:
Preparing for Pre-K and Elementary School
- Validate the challenges of starting school and encourage your child to take on new challenges.
- Learn about your child’s concerns and practice ways to overcome them.
- Praise your child when you’re away from home or meeting new people.
- Encourage your child to work through problems, even when they’re scared.
- Be aware of any changes in behavior or attitude.
- Collaborate with teachers, and reach out to a mental health professional if your child needs extra help and support.
Preparing for Middle School
Parents can:
- Anticipate anxiety and avoidance, and ask questions about how your child is feeling.
- Correct misinformation and educate your child on what procedures are in place to protect and support them.
- Identify and create a support plan with your child.
- Praise any efforts—big or small—that your child makes to manage anxiety.
- Be proactive and check in with your child about bullying.
- Identify trusted adults who your child can connect with at school.
Students can aim to:
- Rebuild a routine.
- Reach out to classmates.
- Check on summer assignments.
- Build a support network.
- Practice coping mechanisms.
- Connect with teachers and guidance counselors.
- Focus on what you can control as opposed to what you can’t.
Preparing for High School
Parents can:
- Ask questions about your teen’s worries and correct misinformation.
- Learn about safety procedures at your teen’s school.
- Pay attention to your teen’s behaviors, anxieties and needs.
- Consult with teachers, social workers and guidance counselors about changes in your teen’s behavior.
- Identify safe and reliable adults and emergency contacts for your teen to reach out to, if needed.
Students can aim to:
- Rebuild a routine.
- Reach out to classmates.
- Check on summer assignments.
- Build a support network.
- Practice coping mechanisms.
- Connect with teachers and guidance counselors.
- Focus on what you can control.
Make an appointment with your pediatrician before the start of the school year here.