Political Discord Within Families: How to Cope
In pre-internet days—before the explosion of online news outlets and before social media, with its insulated “bubbles” of opinion—we were all receiving roughly the same information from a smaller number of television channels and print publications. The way we receive political information nowadays leads to more polarized discourse, says Dr. Shannon Bennett, Assistant Professor of Psychology in Clinical Psychiatry and Assistant Attending Psychologist at Weill Cornell Medicine and Associate Director for The Center for Youth Mental Health at NewYork-Presbyterian.
“How we interpreted or felt about the information we received 30+ years ago differed between individuals and some groups,” she says. But now, “the information we see, hear and read might be completely different from what our family members are seeing, hearing and reading. That can lead to more confusing and emotionally charged conversations.”
In the following Q&A, Dr. Bennett offers guidance for those among us who have experienced political tensions within our families, sometimes with no solution in sight.
What advice do you have for families when they try to discuss politics, especially in the run up to the presidential election?
“I generally would not recommend avoiding difficult conversations, even though that might be easier or sometimes necessary. However, it may be helpful to establish a few ground rules before engaging in potentially challenging discussions with family members. Also, centering your own well-being, and the well-being of the other person, is always important when navigating tough topics within any relationship.”
“We may know from experience which topics are likely to lead to conflict,” she continues, “so we can set limits around those, if needed. It’s also important to remember that we can share information and feelings about topics that are important to us while making sure that the language we use is respectful. Remaining open to others’ experiences and perspectives is a good idea as well.”
Is there a generational component to these disagreements? Any patterns you can discern?
There may be generational, cultural, geographical, financial or other variables that inform a person’s opinions, Dr. Bennett says. Being open to learning about these can also foster more respectful and productive conversations, even if you don't come to an agreement or don’t see eye to eye.
How should we handle potentially sensitive subjects?
“Remember that you’re talking to another human being,” she says. “Most people try to do what they think is best, in line with their values. Taking time to listen to another person's perspective requires patience as well as emotional control strategies. These will help us process our own feelings and choose our words with care, while sharing our own views and contributing a respectful tone to the conversation.
If families experience contentious conversations that lead to anger, disrespect and intolerance, should they avoid certain subjects altogether?
That may depend on the context and purpose of the conversation, she says.
If the context is supposed to be shared family time and you know that talking about politics doesn’t mesh with that goal, then it may be best to avoid these topics.
In other situations, though, the goal may be to share your thoughts and feelings about something that’s important to you, in which case you can plan a time and place where you feel you have the best chance of presenting your thoughts, views and feelings respectfully. But if you experience disrespect or intolerance from others during the conversation, feel free to set a boundary and say that you don't feel comfortable discussing the topic further.
“It may also be helpful to clarify the purpose or goal of the conversation ahead of time,” she says. “For example, if the goal is to change someone's mind, you may need to rethink that by saying, ‘I’d like to share information that’s important to me,’ or ‘I’m letting you know my standpoint on this issue so that you know where I’m coming from.’ Be aware that the conversation can end without anyone necessarily changing their mind, but you can still feel heard.”
Are there times when family members who disagree strongly about politics should consider taking a break from each other?
That’s a very personal decision, she says. If someone feels that their safety, self-esteem, personal identity, rights, values or freedoms are being negatively affected, the time may be right to take some space or set a boundary that feels right to you.
When and how might psychotherapy help?
Individual psychotherapy can help us understand our thoughts, feelings and behaviors, and how these inform our relationships, she says. “We can learn to better understand the triggers that lead to strong emotions or unhelpful behaviors. We can also develop coping strategies for managing our emotions and behaviors through tough times and complex interpersonal situations. Therapy is also a great place to learn and practice assertive communication skills and other strategies for maintaining healthy relationships.
“Family therapy can help members of a family share their thoughts and feelings in a safe setting with an experienced moderator,” she adds.
Any final advice?
It’s important for everyone to consider the source of the information they’re sharing or discussing, and to share your own sources with others during a discussion. Check the facts and look for credible and reliable sources of information, including peer-reviewed research, if possible. “Be aware that others’ opinions, and even sources that we consider ‘news,’ may be influenced by their own interests, whether financial, political or emotional.”
Make an appointment with a mental health provider or other specialist at Weill Cornell Medicine here.